Hi its me Farrah, 24 years old, single, and today is 6th May 2023, 11:03 pm, and im struggling with these problems.
Theres too much problem that I dont know which one to address first.
I cant even tell someone else, somehow, and I dont even know why.
Everyone keeps looking at me as if im the happiest person in the world.
Im tired, mentally.
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Im tired of having friends.
There are people saying that,
The one who hurt the most is the one thats fairly good in hiding their emotions.
I could say that that is probably me.
Why do i said ‘probably’? Because I simply dont want to admit it.
Happiness is such a momentarily thing.
It only happen in a moment, and then its gone.
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Friends are such a trouble some thing do have.
So as family.
So maybe, same goes with relationship. I havent been in one tho.
Why?
Because I refuse to be hurt.
I know it will be hurt someway or another.
In the state I am now, every relationship I have is hurting me.
It is so suffocating.
And im too scared to run away from all of this. I will probably do this, sooner or later.
For now, I will just bear it.
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Just wondering, is my mental health okay?
Is it under pressure? I donno.
Day by day, my feeling is gone.
I felt numb. I think by body trying to protect me by making me feeling this way so that I dont get hurt. Nothing can makes me feel strongly anymore. I just, get mad from time to time.
Im kinda worry about myself tho. But I dont have anyone to rely on.
I dont trust anybody anymore.
Even the closest person can hurt you. It is indeed hurtful.
Sometimes I wonder, am I stronger than anyone else whos always share about their problems or mental health in socmed? Or is it just im not strong enough to share it all?
I dont know.
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People keep expecting me to understand and look at someone else.
But how about me?
Who will care for me?
Who will look at me properly and understand me?
Will there be such a person for me?
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I was just hoping that my future self finds happiness, genuinely.
Regards,
Farrah Hanim
11:23pm, 6th May 2023
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